Singles Lookin' For Love In All The New Places

Tammy Lawrence and Timothy Abbott found it on a bus.

Vincent and Andrea Galbreath discovered it at work.

Larry Hightower favors his church group for it.

Susie Watts thinks she'll find it through the Internet.

What are we talking about? Love, of course. The good news: There are more ways than ever to find it these days. The bad news: There are more ways than ever to find it these days.

How do you date? You could be a traditionalist, connecting with dates through your network of friends, family and colleagues. Or maybe you rely on modern-day matchmakers. Then there's that next frontier, online dating.

Given all these options, when Midstate residents were asked how they'd rate dating methods, it turns out they're still pretty old-school. Most would rather meet their mate the old-fashioned way � in person and without any more extra machinations beyond letting Fate do her part.

But people also are realistic. Sometimes Fate needs a nudge.

Old-fashioned dating No gimmicks or middlemen brought Tammy Lawrence and her boyfriend together, just a shared bus ride and a history they didn't realize they had.

Three years ago Lawrence, who lives in Nashville, was riding the bus to work. Another rider, 39-year-old Timothy Abbott, approached her because she looked familiar. Turns out the pair had gone to fifth, ninth and 10th grade together. But fifth-graders don't take kindly to mingling, and as teens, they never had any classes together, so they didn't really know each other.

This time, they didn't let the opportunity get away from them. They're dating still.

"If given the choice, I think that most people, like myself, prefer traditional dating versus the newer methods of dating today," Lawrence says. "For me, it was good to connect with someone I already kind of knew. I guess that I'm old-fashioned for my age, but I prefer it that way." Many singles would rather stumble upon a potential romantic partner than seek out him or her.

So doing your own thing, without worrying about dating, is frequently a preferred method of meeting people.

Brentwood United Methodist Church, like many churches, has a ministry devoted to single adults. The ministry is obviously not a dating club, director Norm Anderson said, but many singles have met and gotten married.

"I believe the best place to establish meaningful relationships is where similar interests and values meet," he said. ". . . As people grow spiritually and allow God's will to take control of their lives, they have a better foundation upon which to grow in all aspects of life, and in all types of relationships." That's proven true for member Larry Hightower, 55, of Brent-wood.

He's dated people he met through friends with mixed results. He's had good results from Internet dating. It beats blind dates. But even better, he says, are the people he's met at his church's singles group.

"You have an interaction through church services or social events," he said. "A lot of times, you'll get to know someone a little bit before you even want to ask them out, and they get to know you as well." Love at work Vincent and Andrea Galbreath of Clarksville connected through the workplace.

Vincent, 26, had met girls through clubbing, but nothing serious. Andrea, 29, once tried a telephone dating service in which potential suitors listened to a message she'd left about herself and then left her their own message.

She dropped that option like a hot potato.

"It was a mess," she says. "There were some weirdos." Andrea had just started to work at Sears when Vincent, who'd been there about a year, asked her for her number. The two started dating. It wasn't awkward at work, she says, since they rarely saw each other during the day � she worked in sales, he in the warehouse. They married in 2000.

When asked if she'd recommend the workplace as a potential dating ground, Andrea, now a hospice social worker, replied, "I wouldn't really recommend anywhere. It's so hard to meet somebody that's right, just keep your options open. Don't rule out any place." Is workplace romance acceptable? It certainly isn't out of the ordinary. In a survey last year of more than 600 working people by career-oriented Web site Vault.com, 58% reported they'd had an office romance. (Of the remaining 42% who hadn't, 11% of them said they'd be open to the idea.) In fact, 22% of those surveyed said they'd met a spouse or significant other on the job.

"Office romances are afact of life," wrote one respondent. "We are human beings, and we spend too much time in the office. In my view, the office is a great place for singles to meet other single people." Love online The Internet has changed everything, including courtship.

It has given singles access to far more fellow singles, countless options on where and how to look, and a way to jump-start relationships that might otherwise have never materialized.

But that which giveth, also taketh away.

Online dating means losing the immediate face-to-face interaction of the first meeting. Is there chemistry? Is she your type? Is he attractive enough? It means risking a dialogue based on untruths.

But dating, no matter how you do it, is a gamble, and many have chosen to play their cards online.

"I strongly recommend the Internet as the most efficient, inexpensive and least stressful means of meeting new people," says Susan Dorsey, 50, of Mt. Juliet. That's how she met her husband.

"A few of my dates were with men who were older, larger, balder or more bitter than they had originally let on, but overall my experiences were positive." According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 11% of all Internet-using adults in the country report having gone to an online dating site or other site to meet people.

Of these 16 million online daters, 43% have gone on dates as a result of meeting someone in cyberspace, and 17% have been in long-term relationships or married someone they met online.

These numbers come from a Pew poll released last month of 3,215 adults across the country.

In addition, 52% of online daters said they'd had mostly positive experiences and 29%, mostly negative. Seven percent had both positive and negative experiences. The remaining 12% didn't know or didn't say how they felt about their dating experiences.

"It was a bad experience," said Shane Seagraves, 37, of Columbia. "People aren't who they say they are. I think the good old-fashioned way, when you're not looking, is the best." That's what worked for him. He ended up meeting the woman he would marry in a bar.

Welcome resource For many, the general sentiment toward Internet dating is: Why not? The bar scene proved unappealing to 49-year-old Susie Watts of Murfreesboro. Personal ads in the Nashville Scene led to so many responses she had no time to answer them all. A dating service that cost her $1,200 for 10 dates was a bust. ("After two dates with men that were not even in the ballpark of what I was looking for, I quit.") Her job as a food and beverage director for an entertainment company involves long hours and travel, so Internet dating gives her the flexibility she needs. She tried Match.com, but found few men she'd considered dating. The site Single Me has proven a favorite, though she also uses Platinum Romance, Yahoo! Personals, American Singles and Matchdoctor.

"I have been doing the online dating thing for two years now, and though I haven't met anyone that just rocks my world, I have met some very nice men," Watts said. "I think that eventually I will meet someone through this online thing." Blair Cooper, who is 24, gay and called Nashville home for the past year and a half, met few potential partners through his jobs as an illustrator and waiter.

Conventional dating sites had few young gay men on its rosters. Nor did Cooper deal much in the local gay scene, which he felt was largely relegated to bars and clubs.

So he ventured to Gay.com and tried the chat rooms. He is diligent about doing his research by perusing chatters' profiles to get a better sense of their personality and motivations.

The ever-popular MySpace, a social networking site, has also proven to be another option.

Cooper, who recently moved back to North Carolina, hasn't found a romantic partner online yet, but the search did lead to some friendships, including one with a man he calls his best friend.

"It's actually pretty good if you're willing to go through the profiles," he said of his method. "It eliminates the drunk factor" of clubs and bars.

Whatever works The social-misfit stigma that once accompanied alternative dating methods has faded with online dating's popularity.

Julie Zadoo, who took over the Nashville office of It's Just Lunch dating service in July 2005, says her agency has more than doubled its number of clients in the past half-year. She attributes that to better advertising and word of mouth.

Her agency, she says, deals less in chemistry � a nebulous, unpredictable factor � and more in social exposure, putting clients in the right environment for meeting like-minded people.

Many of her clients are professionals, often transplants to the area, who are pressed for time. The challenge they face is a common one: the clash of wanting to meet a prospective mate the old-fashioned way while living a modern-day life.

"If you get down to it, that's what it's about," Zadoo said. "One hundred years ago, you went to the same church, lived in the same hometown as your parents. You stayed there after school. You had a social network. You had an extended network. Those networks are gone." Speed dating is another modern option. It's basically a conveyor belt of manufactured first-time encounters: Men and women get a few minutes to chat before moving on to the next person in line. Afterward, participants mark down who they're interested in; matches get access to each other's contact info.

A few minutes is often all the time you need to tell if you click with someone, said Todd Meador, whose Metropolitan Nites networking agency organizes local speed-dating events.

"Most of the people are very nervous at first," Meador said. "You can tell in their eyes some people are ready to leave. But when people get going . . . even if people don't match with anybody, they usually have a great time and they're glad they did it." Josh Fieldhouse, 41, a Nashville lighting designer, decided to give speed dating a try because, "As I tour for a living, I don't get out much, and I'm not the most forward kinda guy out there." The experience wasn't as painful as he thought it'd be, said Fieldhouse, who tried speed dating through Cupid.com. He doesn't think he'll do it again, but he would recommend it to others.

"Some of my friends and acquaintances have more the personality for it than I," he said. "I think any legit way for people to meet is worth it for somebody."

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